Hey lovely readers! Hope life is going well! Today’s post I wrote while I was in Florida, and now looking back at it, I still find it relatable. This is my first “Let it Out” Post and it reflects on how I was feeling during the changes in my life and how I kind of feel now. Don’t forget to like, follow and share!
I’ve been feeling stuck for the past month. I don’t even know how to describe it. The feeling that your Old Self is crying at the worst times, trying to figure out how to handle the situation, the moment. You’re still you, in a way. But your version of “you”, who I guess you always thought was you, isn’t you. If that even makes sense.
It’s like you’re not who you always thought anymore. This feeling is like you don’t know who you truly are, instead of people not knowing who you are. And that’s frightening, because normally people can accept the change, accept the fact that they’re changing and be done with it.
But what if that’s not you? What if that’s not how you’re feeling? I always feel alone in my feelings, like no one can really understand me or that I shouldn’t be this upset. But we have to remember that no one ever said anything about feeling a certain way about something. There are stereotypes in life, but there shouldn’t be stereotypes about feelings. Your new self, the person who’s changed in the slightest or the greatest…may not feel like your “you” anymore. And for me, that bothered me.
I mean, come on. I moved away from everything. Sure I still kept in touch, visited, but it wasn’t the same. Nothing like the same. Nothing like everything you once knew. And you want to hold on, so desperately, to anything. Anything. And you need this “you”, this part of yourself that is yourself. You need this because it reminds you that once, not long ago, you were at a place in your life, where you were okay. You weren’t great. You were okay.
You had to wait until the month you were moving to tell your friends, experiencing the constant doubts of “What if I was never their friend anyway?” or “Do they even…care?” This “you” that you want to hold on to, reminds you of a time where you were…courageous. Where you didn’t know what to expect. Where you couldn’t see anything, and were hoping for the best, eager to get it over with.
Or even before that. A time where you didn’t even know. A time where a different future wasn’t in your head. And you’re lost. You don’t know how to feel. This “new you” is new. Never seen before, like everything else around you. And how are you supposed to keep going if…you aren’t you. This is how I find myself feeling. Thinking. And it sounds confusing and by now, everything is. And people tell you it’ll be okay. You’ll get used to it. The constant phrase. Is that what everyone only knows how to say these days?
This feeling of not being your “you”, is very hard to describe. Because for anyone who does feel this way, it’s different. It may feel like you’ve lost yourself, it may feel like you’re frozen in time, it may feel like you’re sleep walking. It may feel like you’ve “lost your life line”. It may feel like you’ve lost a very important part of yourself that you trusted. A part of yourself you needed. Or a part of yourself you missed because it made you, you. Whatever you feel is lost.
This is kinda what happens when your stuck. Stuck like this. Whether it be stuck between selves, stuck between the getting used to, or stuck between constantly fighting the change. And it’s our decision on how we accept the change, how we welcome it. But we don’t know how our decision will affect us. We don’t really know what decision to make. That’s why we’re stuck. And maybe we don’t know how to become unstuck.
But we need to learn how to hold on and eventually, we’ll learn to have hope.